I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
