I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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