My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
