and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
