Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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