Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
