Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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