my phone needs a breathalizer
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
