i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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