I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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