so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
