So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
