Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
