so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
