Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
