so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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