i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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