fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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