Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
