Umm I'm too high to move.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
