So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
