Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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