She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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