I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
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It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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