she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
