I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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