you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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