Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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