Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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