I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
