I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
