I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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