I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Randomize
