Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
