If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.