I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?