Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.