You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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