i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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