It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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