i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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