I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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