i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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