I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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