well I can't set my house on fire every night
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize