I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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