Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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