Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
