she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
