my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
