Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
