1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
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Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
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When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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