i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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