I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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