Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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