I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
