never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
